


Wandering Heart

by lostmagician



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Karate Kid (Movies)
Genre: 1980s, 1990s, Angst and Feels, Character Study, Coming of Age, Falling In Love, Getting Together, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostmagician/pseuds/lostmagician
Summary: As he watched Johnny get choked in the parking lot, he was gripped with a fear so strong. No, it wasn't just fear. It was something else—a realization that struck him to the bone, that shattered the careful illusion he'd been trying to maintain.It was never about Ali.Never.
Relationships: Daniel LaRusso/Johnny Lawrence
Comments: 76
Kudos: 509
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Wandering Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dancinbutterfly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinbutterfly/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, dancinbutterfly!
> 
> A few notes about this story. It picks up right after the flashback in Karate Kid II, and ignores all other events in the sequels. Also, the Tournament takes place in May 1985, instead of December 1984.
> 
> The pairing is Daniel/Johnny.
> 
> Mood: [Midnight Sky](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=idqqH1-hjK4&list=RDAMVMidqqH1-hjK4) by Miley Cyrus.

It was like being stuck underwater. His legs rooted in the ground, blood rushing to his ears. Kreese hooked an arm around Johnny’s throat, and Daniel’s heart stopped.

“Sensei, please, you’re hurting him!” a voice yelled in the background.

Daniel watched helpless, as Johnny struggled against the hold. He tensed his legs, willing himself to move, but the fear that gripped him was so strong. No, it wasn’t just fear. It was something else—a realization that struck him to the bone, that shattered the careful illusion he’d been trying to maintain.

It was never about Ali.

Never.

***

The realization didn’t just hit Daniel, it trampled all over him, leaving him wrung out and dazed. For the next few days, he walked around in a haze, trying to understand what it all meant.

Johnny had pushed him down a hill. He’d ganged up on Daniel in an open field, and beaten the shit out of him. Daniel had gone home with a black eye, bruised ribs, the taste of blood in his mouth, and yet—

When Daniel was seven years old, he made friends with the kid next door. They used to play for hours in front of the compound, until one day, an older boy named Brad moved in close by. Daniel had no idea what he’d ever done to deserve the boy’s wrath, but Brad had it in for him, picking on Daniel, pushing him around at every chance he got.

One afternoon, Brad crowded him against the wall, big and intimidating, and Daniel got so scared, he just wanted to go home _(I want to go home)—_ just as Brad caught him by the front of his shirt, Daniel surged forward and crushed their lips together.

Brad froze. Daniel leaned back and panicked until he realized it was the perfect opportunity to shove him away and run home.

A few days later, Daniel found his mom packing a suitcase in the bedroom. When Daniel asked what she was doing, she gave him a tight-lipped smile.

“We’re not happy here,” she said, throwing in her shirts. “I found a job in Michigan. Trust me, honey. You’ll love it there.”

They moved the very next day.

***

Ali broke up with him after prom. It could have been done in a better place, under better circumstances. But instead it happened late at night in the school parking lot.

“You’ve changed,” Ali said, and it was like a black and white movie, the moonlight shining down on her mascara-stained face, her eyes glistening with tears. “I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

Daniel’s nostrils flared. He didn’t know what to say. How could he? It was never about her. She was just collateral damage, the casualty in a war he didn’t even know he was fighting.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Ali asked, her voice going higher. She came up to him, and shoved him in the chest, making him stagger back. “Huh?”

In that moment, he thought about Brad. He thought about Johnny. He’d been too blind to see it, but now it was as clear as the midnight sky.

_It was never about Ali._

He didn’t say anything as she grabbed her purse and stormed away. He only saw her once, a week later at graduation, and then never again.

It was the last time he saw Johnny as well.

***

Summer ended, and Daniel was supposed to open a bonsai shop with Mr. Miyagi, but at the last moment, the old man left for Okinawa _(Must go back to home, Daniel-San. Family waiting.)_ Daniel swallowed down his protests and watched the cab roll out of the driveway, suitcases in tow.

He ended up enrolling at a college nearby. He was never good at learning, but the business courses he’d picked sounded interesting enough. It was a completely different universe over there. It was all about being yourself, developing your identity, and all that crap. Daniel wanted nothing to do with it. He knew that self-affirmation only went so far before prejudice set in, so he tried to keep to himself, study hard and get good grades.

The plan worked until his second year, when his stone-head roommate flunked out, and a new guy moved in. His name was Joe. He was blond with a lanky body and big hands. He didn’t like that Daniel was always stuck in his shell.

“Come on, we’re in college,” Joe said, leaning against Daniel’s desk, and jostling his papers. “Shouldn’t we be having fun or something? Going out, getting some fresh air?”

Daniel sighed over his textbook. He stared at the lotus headband that hung over his desk lamp. He’d fingered the fabric so much that the symbol had worn out over time. Joe needled him again, and Daniel accepted to go out for a burger.

He ended up having more fun than he’d had in months. Joe was an asshole, but in a good way. He regularly teased Daniel, made fun of his clothes, and called him _karate boy,_ but Daniel didn’t mind. They started hanging out every day.

One night, Joe scored vodka from a friend, and they sat down on the dorm room floor and drank together. Joe kept making the lamest jokes, and Daniel found himself laughing with every word. Joe seemed to like it, smiling whenever he got Daniel to react, and in the low light of the bedroom, he almost looked like someone else. _Blue eyes, a longer nose, a more angular jaw._ Daniel’s stomach twisted, and the vision was gone.

Then, something happened, like a shift in the air. Joe’s eyes dropped to Daniel’s mouth, he leaned forward and pressed their lips together.

Daniel didn’t move, his heart hammering in his chest. Joe pushed his tongue against Daniel’s lips, a firm pressure that made Daniel relax his jaw. Soon, they were full-on making out, slow and syrupy like molasses. They kissed and kissed until Joe released him, chuckling.

“Wow, I’m really drunk.” Joe’s face was flushed, and his pupils dilated. “We should probably go to sleep.”

“Yeah,” Daniel said, licking his lips. His body was hot, his head spinning.

They helped each other up, stumbling to their feet, and crashed in their own beds. Joe was snoring within minutes, but Daniel stayed awake, replaying the scene in his head over and over again, his lips tingling from the kiss. Eventually, tiredness won over and he fell asleep.

The next day, Joe filed in a request to change rooms, and there was a rumor going around college that Daniel was a faggot.

Daniel dropped out the next semester.

***

He applied for a job at Auto Solutions. It wasn’t one of those run-down spots in the middle of nowhere. It was clean, well-lit and spacious. Not as fancy as some of the dealerships in Sherman Oaks, but still as nice.

The owner of the place was a curly-haired man named Mr. Daoui. He interviewed Daniel, asking him basic questions about cars, and Daniel answered as best as he could. Then, Mr. Daoui pretended to be a client, and they toured the lot together. Daniel flashed his most charming smile the entire time.

When they were done, Mr. Daoui looked at him appraisingly.

“You know what?” he said, nodding. “You’re still young, but I like you. You got the job.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Daniel said, shaking his hand. “I swear you won’t regret it.”

His first day on the job, he was so nervous he nearly puked. Mr. Daoui had given him a list of things to work on around the dealership. He was cleaning the windows on a black Sedan, when a new client walked in. Daniel jumped to his feet, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants, and grabbed a notepad.

“Welcome to Auto Solutions. How can I help you?”

He remembered the process. _Talk to the client, identify what they want, show them the cars._ The client eyed him closely, probably wondering why somebody who looked so young was working at the dealership. Finally, he shrugged and explained that his car had run its last mile.

“I just need something that’s spacious, and that’ll fit my wife and three kids.”

Daniel nodded. “And that’ll stay solid on rocky ground.”

The client’s head jerked back in surprise.

“How did you...”

“Your shirt? Topanga Canyon?” The client looked down at the name that was blazoned across his chest, and Daniel chuckled. “I know they have really good hiking trails up there.” He clicked open his pen, and brought it to the notepad. “I’m sure we can find exactly what you need. Could I just have a name, Sir?”

“Campbell,” the client said in a daze. Then, like he remembered his manners,

“Johnny Campbell.”

The pen jerked in Daniel’s hand, leaving a long line across the paper. He took a deep breath, then another. He fixed a smile on his face.

“Okay, Mr. Campbell. Let’s take a tour of the lot.”

***

It was six months into his new job, when he met Sandy. He was grabbing a coffee before work, and accidentally ran into her, spilling it over her dress. He became an absolute mess _(sorry sorry sorry)_ , dabbing her with a tissue, making a fool out of himself.

She was angry at first, but in the face of his reaction, she couldn't help but laugh.

“You could have just asked me out,” she said.

Daniel froze. He opened his mouth, closed it. Her eyes twinkled, and Daniel was powerless to say no. He asked her out on a date.

What he didn’t expect was to get along so well with her. She was sweet, funny and took away the sting of loneliness. They started seeing each other every week.

“She sounds lovely,” Lucille said, when he told her about Sandy on the phone. She dropped her voice. “Is she blond?”

He didn’t know what to say. No, she wasn’t blond. Did it even matter? _(Yes.)_ They moved onto a different topic of conversation, but the words stuck with him. He thought about them all day, even as he had dinner with Sandy that night.

“Who knew you had a green thumb?” Sandy said, when he told her about his bonsai trees. She leaned forward on her elbows, and winked. “I’d love to see them.”

So, he invited her over to his place. He shifted nervously, as she walked inside. His apartment was small and cramped, but it was the best he could afford at a time like this. He showed her the shelf full of trees that he kept next to the TV, talked a little about their watering schedule. It’s only when she ran her fingers along the wall, biting her lip, that he realized it was never about the trees. She drew closer, and Daniel placed his hands on her hips. He’d dated girls before, hadn’t he?

He could do this.

He leaned in for a kiss, and her response told him that he’d done the right thing. It was their first time making out without anybody around, so the kiss quickly got heated, tongues crashing against one another.

They made their way to the bedroom, and Daniel pushed her down on the bed, settling between her thighs. They kissed for what felt like an eternity, until he realized that she was waiting for him to make the next move. He released her lips, and bit his way down her neck, burying his hand in her ( _not blond)_ hair. He licked and sucked at her skin. She kept rolling her hips against him, like she was desperate for friction.

He slid his other hand down her chest, the swell of her breast, and suddenly his stomach twisted, a feeling of wrongness tugging in his gut.

Legs wrapped around his hips, and a small hand trailed down his ribcage, down, down, until it reached beneath his waist. She cupped him, and Daniel couldn’t take it anymore. He jerked back, scrambling to the edge of the bed.

“What’s wrong?” Sandy asked, breathless. She sat up and straightened her dress.

Daniel blinked away the darkness that was clouding his vision.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he said, panting. There was a heaviness in his chest; it was getting worse and worse with every passing second. He covered his face with his hands. “I’m fine, just—” a hand touched his shoulder, and he jerked back. “ _Don’t._ Just don’t touch me.”

There was a silence, and then in a low voice, “Okay.”

Daniel continued to breathe into his hands. A few moments later, he heard the sound of her getting up, slipping on her shoes. He tried to keep it together, as she walked out and closed the front door behind her.

She never called him again.

***

At night, Daniel dreamed of strong hands pushing him down, spreading his legs. A warm mouth kissing its way down his chest, before closing around his cock. He dug his fingers into tousled hair, and pulled, feeling the vibrations of a moan around him.

The pleasure was like nothing he’d ever felt before, it crescendoed inside of him, higher and higher. He panted at the ceiling, rolling his hips. Just as he was about to come, he looked down—blue eyes caught him in a vise.

Daniel jerked awake, breathing fast. There was a growing wet spot in his boxers.

***

He discovered the party scene when he was two months short of twenty-five. He became friends with the girl who worked at the bookstore across the dealership. Daniel liked her. She was different from the others, with her pixie haircut and neck tattoo. They started having lunch together every Friday.

“Are you gay?” Billie asked him on the third week, and Daniel choked on his sandwich. She clasped him on the back, until he caught his breath. “Sorry, I should have eased that into the conversation.”

Daniel looked around, but luckily, they’d picked a table far away from the crowd.

“Why—why would you say that?” Daniel asked, his voice shaking despite himself. “Why would you even think that?”

“Just a thought that crossed my mind,” Billie said, shrugging. “Because if you were, I know a place where you could meet some cute guys.”

“Well, I’m not,” Daniel said, this time louder. He leaned forward and dropped his voice. “I’m not.”

“Okay, yeah,” Billie said, staring at him for a beat before looking away. “Of course.”

She changed the subject, and moved on to talk about her pet ferret. Daniel thought that was the end of it, until a week later, he found a note slipped into his jacket. It was an address to a club in North Hollywood.

It took him a while to pluck up the courage to go. He imagined a place in the middle of nowhere, so he was surprised to find it in a popular part of town, right behind a movie theater. There was a beefy guy at the entrance, who almost didn’t let Daniel in. He stared at Daniel’s ID for a long time, his frown getting deeper with every passing second. Finally, he gave it back.

“Get in,” he grunted.

Daniel let out a shaky breath and stepped inside. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the semi-darkness. The air was filled with the smell of cigarette smoke, sweat and spilled beer. Daniel pushed his way through the crowd and made a beeline for the bar, where he flagged down the server for a martini.

He allowed himself to scan the room, while he waited. There was a tall man at the other end of the bar, eying him closely. The drink jostled against Daniel’s elbow, pulling his attention away. He thanked the server, and took a sip.

When he turned around, the man was in front of him.

“Hey,” the guy said, leaning against the bar. He was good-looking with dark hair and a wide chest.

“Hey,” Daniel said, flashing his dimples.

The guy’s smile widened. They talked a little, and ten minutes later, they were making out on the dance floor.

He started to go to the club more often after that, especially on the days when he couldn’t handle the stress of the dealership. Mr. Daoui was giving him more responsibilities, and he needed an outlet for all the tension that was building inside of him.

He also grew closer to Billie. They didn’t talk about this part of his life, but there was a clear understanding between them. It was liberating.

Billie moved away a few months later. “They say San Francisco is the place to be.”

It was okay, though. Daniel was used to being left by now.

***

The first time he had sex, it was with an older man. Daniel didn’t catch his name, only noticed too late the tanned line on his finger. He took Daniel to a motel, bent him over the bed and prepped him real quick before slamming into him.

 _Harder,_ Daniel moaned, even though it hurt and tears were stinging in his eyes.

 _Harder,_ even though he was going to be limping for days.

The pain was grounding, and made him feel alive for the first time in years.

***

_A few days later, two men in Lincoln Heights were dragged out of their apartment, and killed with a baseball bat after being caught having sex with each other._

Daniel saw it on the morning news, while he was eating his cereal. He forced himself to watch the entire segment, before turning off the television.

He didn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the week.

***

Daniel got promoted to assistant manager. He knew he was the best employee _(running on seven years)_ , but the news still came to him as a surprise. There was more paper work, more administrative tasks. Daniel hired two employees the first week, and got an extension on the company’s bank loan, much to Mr. Daoui’s pleasure.

With more responsibilities came a bigger raise. The first thing he did was buy himself some tailor-made suits. Then, a few months later, when he’d gathered enough money, he canceled his lease, and went hunting for a new apartment.

He found a great one-bedroom in Encino, that had a balcony and a view of Balboa Park. His neighbor was an old lady, who lived with her geriatric dog. She tutted every time she saw Daniel carrying boxes up the stairs. On the third night, she insisted that he come over for dinner.

“Yeah, I’d love to,” Daniel said with a smile.

During dinner, she asked him all sorts of questions, about his family, his work, where he grew up. He told her about his mom, the dealership, the bonsai trees that he kept in his apartment. It wasn’t long before the usual topic came up.

“What I don’t understand is why a fine man like you doesn’t have a girlfriend? Back in my day, girls would be lining up the block for you.”

Daniel knew the impression that he gave. With his Jersey accent, and boyish look. He dropped his head, and smiled ruefully.

“I guess I haven’t met the right person yet,” Daniel said, shrugging. She nodded nicely, and returned to her mashed potatoes.

He tried not to feel like a complete liar.

***

He was twenty-eight when the movie Philadelphia came out. There was a hype surrounding it, and Daniel needed to know why. He needed to _understand_. He went all the way to a seedy cinema in Reseda to watch it.

It was about a hot-shot lawyer in the city, who’d gotten fired from his job after catching HIV. The story followed his lawsuit against his asshole employers.

Daniel sat on the edge of his seat the entire time, his breath caught in his throat. He was able to stomach it, up until the moment the character started going crazy, and then he couldn’t take it anymore.

He got to his feet and fled the room. He made sure to always carry condoms after that.

***

One moments out of many, and his life screeched to a halt. It was bound to happen. He just didn’t expect it to occur in such a mundane setting. Mr. Daoui had hired a construction crew to renovate their new office in Sherman Oaks, and he’d asked Daniel to oversee the work. Daniel had gone, fully thinking he’d find a swarm of men in their fifties, beer bellies hanging out.

What he hadn’t expected was this.

“Johnny,” Daniel said, and it _was_ him. His jaw was sharper, his hair longer, but it was him, dressed in a cargo pants and a dusty shirt. Johnny dropped a bag on the floor, and straightened up.

“LaRusso,” Johnny breathed out, and nobody had called Daniel that in over ten years. They stared at each other for a long moment, the work site in shambles around them. It was surreal.

Daniel snapped out of it, and drew closer. “It’s good to see you.” He glanced around, before landing on Johnny. “So what, you work in construction now?”

He only realized too late how the question could be misconstrued, but Johnny didn’t take it badly. If anything, his lips quirked in an amused smile. He bent down to pick another bag, his back rippling with the movement.

“Yeah, gotta put those karate muscles to use somehow.”

Daniel watched as Johnny moved the bags, one by one. “Sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I just didn’t really expect to see you here. How have you been?”

“Good,” Johnny replied. “You work at the dealership?”

“Yeah,” Daniel said, feeling his stomach twist. Usually he was proud of his job, proclaiming _I’m the manager_ at every chance he got, but it didn’t feel right. Not now.

“Cool,” Johnny said.

“Yeah. Cool.”

The conversation died there. It was awkward, and Daniel had no idea what else to say. At that moment, the supervisor appeared.

“I’m sorry,” Ron said, wiping his forehead. “There was an emergency with the pipes in the guest bathroom—”

“No, it’s okay,” Daniel said, glancing at Johnny one last time, before turning his full attention to the man. “Don’t worry. Let’s go over the progress so far.”

Ron went into great detail about what still needed to be done. Daniel nodded, and asked questions. The entire time, he had a tingling feeling in the back of his neck. Halfway through the conversation, he glanced over his shoulder, and found Johnny staring at him. His eyes scattered away, as he continued to work.

Daniel returned to the conversation, his chest tight with anxiety. He stayed twenty minutes longer, discussing everything that needed to be discussed. Then, he shook Ron’s hand and bid good-bye to the crew. Johnny ignored him, and Daniel’s mouth soured with disappointment.

As he headed toward the door, he told himself that it was normal. They hadn’t talked in _thirteen_ years, and Johnny had no idea what had happened to Daniel that night, the realization that had turned his life upside down.

Hell, Johnny probably had his own trauma to deal with.

He’d all but accepted the fact when he heard the sound of quick footsteps behind him, followed by tap on his shoulder.

Daniel turned around slowly.

It was Johnny. He shifted on his feet, rubbing the back of his neck.

“So, I was wondering...” Johnny trailed off. He dropped his hand and straightened up. “Wanna grab a beer later?”

Daniel blinked. He was sure he’d misheard, because no way had Johnny just asked him out for a drink. But there was an expectant glint in Johnny’s eye and a determined line in his jaw, like he was seriously waiting for an answer.

In that moment, Daniel realized that his own mouth had fallen open. He snapped it closed and licked his lips.

“Uh, yeah,” Daniel said, his eyes darting around before landing on Johnny. “Sure.”

Johnny’s shoulders sagged.

“There’s a place called Sal’s on Tampa Avenue. How does eight o’clock sound?”

Daniel still felt like he’d entered the twilight zone. He swallowed. It took him a few seconds before he could reply.

“Sounds good. Yeah, I’ll be there.”

Johnny nodded, then he hesitated like he wanted to say something else. He seemed to change his mind at the last moment. He shook his head and walked away.

Daniel watched him get back to work, bending down to move the rest of the bags. After what felt like an eternity, he turned around and headed for the door.

Maybe his life hadn’t ended after all.

***

Daniel didn’t think about anything else all afternoon. He went to work, met with the sales team, went over the monthly inventory. Then, at six thirty, he went home, showered and agonized in front of his closet for a good fifteen minutes.

Why did it feel like he was seventeen again?

It was ridiculous—he was _over_ Johnny. That infatuation had long passed, and there was no need for him to be this nervous anymore. He ended up picking a dark plaid shirt and cuffed jeans.

He tapped his fingers on the stirring wheel all the way to Sal’s. The place wasn’t hard to find, it was on a main road close to his old apartment in Reseda. He rolled into the parking lot, and his insides tightened at the sight of a red Firebird parked idly in the corner.

The bar was a surprisingly quiet one; a few patrons playing pool in the corner, while soft 80s rock lingered in the background. Daniel didn’t have to search long for Johnny. He was sitting at the bar, dressed in jeans and a faded gray shirt.

Daniel took a deep breath, steadying himself, before heading toward him.

“Hey,” he said.

Johnny turned his head, and paused at the sight of him. His eyes roamed over Daniel, lightning quick, before snapping back up.

“Hey,” Johnny said, and Daniel had forgotten how good-looking he was, sitting there with his face scrubbed clean, and his hair curled in wet strands around his neck. Johnny waved at the stool next to him. “Have a seat.”

Daniel slipped into the seat and flagged down the bartender for a beer.

“So, how have you been?” Johnny asked.

“Good, good,” Daniel said, peering up at Johnny. “It’s been a long time. I haven’t seen you since…” He trailed off.

“Since you kicked me in the face?” Johnny asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Daniel’s face went hot.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—I meant since high school.”

Johnny let it slide. “Yeah, a lot of things have changed since then.”

It was such a vague thing to say, Daniel had no idea how to respond to it.

“Yeah?” Daniel asked anyway. Then, because he needed some sense of normalcy, “So you’re saying that’s not the same car you drove back in high school?”

Johnny looked at him sharply, and for a moment, Daniel worried that he’d crossed a line _(maybe they didn’t talk to each other that way, maybe it wasn’t their thing)_ but then—Johnny’s entire face transformed, his lips curling into an amused smile, his eyes twinkling.

“What?” Johnny asked. “You gonna try and sell me a car, LaRusso? Is that it?”

Daniel plastered on a cocky smile.

“Hey, I’m not saying you should get a new one, but come on, you’ve had the Firebird since—what? ‘83? ‘84?”

“‘82,” Johnny corrected him.

“Nothing is meant to last that long, okay?”

“Really? So that stupid haircut made it into the 90s all on its own?”

Daniel blinked once, twice, before bursting into laughter. Johnny’s smile widened, and just like that the ice broke. They continued back and forth in an easy banter.

The entire time, Daniel couldn’t shake off the feeling of déjà-vu. Seeing Johnny after so long was familiar, and it brought up a cocktail of emotions that he wasn’t ready for. They ordered a few more beers, and then headed toward the pool tables. The conversation got more comfortable, and Johnny mentioned that he’d just broken up with his girlfriend of two years.

“What about you?” Johnny asked, dipping his head in Daniel’s direction. “You got anybody?”

Daniel leaned against his cue stick. “Nope. Not me”.

Johnny nodded, and bent down to line up a shot. Daniel chewed the inside of his cheek, and tried not to stare at the wide expanse of Johnny’s back, the tightness of his jeans.

Later that night, he went to the club and let a guy fuck him in the bathroom stall. He didn’t do it often, but he couldn’t help it this time. He braced his forearms against the wall, and pushed back with every thrust. When he came, he bit into his skin, and thought of blond hair and blue eyes.

***

He started seeing Johnny more often after that. Daniel visited the work site every Friday, and discussed with Ron the advancement of the work. Then, he returned to the office, and at seven o’clock, headed back out to meet Johnny for drinks at the bar.

It was crazy how alike they were. They had similar tastes in music, movies—everything. Johnny was a weird mix of 80’s nostalgia and stubbornness. He talked about Iron Eagle like it was the second coming, and still owned a Walkman, even though CD players were the new vogue.

As their conversations got more personal, Daniel realized that they had other things in common too. Johnny never knew his father, Daniel’s passed away when he was eight. Karate had been a refuge for the both of them, an escape from the man-shaped hole in their lives. Then, there was the fact that neither had stayed in touch with their senseis after high school. It was a shared history that reunited them.

Daniel thought that their meetings would end after the renovation, but they continued to hang out even after the grand opening.

It was comfortable, friendly, and Daniel didn’t know what to make of it. A sick, twisted part of him expected _(wanted)_ Johnny to turn on him, for the smiles to turn to sneers.

Maybe then he could make sense of what he was feeling.

***

“You ever think about the day we met?” Johnny asked him one night. It was very late, and he was on his fourth bottle of beer. Daniel had already made a mental note to drive him home.

He blinked and focused on the question. They didn’t talk about this part of their relationship. It was an unspoken agreement between them. For the first time, Daniel allowed his mind to drift to that night, to the memory of a starry sky and the smell of the ocean.

He’d been sitting on the sand, watching the fire embers spark in the darkness, when he’d heard the sounds of motorcycles revving in the distance. Johnny had come in like a hurricane, all emotion and fury, with his tousled hair and fiery red jacket.

The memory was so vivid, Daniel could still remember the way his heart had sped at the sight of him.

 _It’s because you’re afraid._ That’s how Daniel had explained it to himself at the time.

It took him a long time to realize that violence and arousal were two sides of the same coin. Now, Daniel took a slow sip, enjoying the way the soda fizzed down his throat. Johnny was still waiting for an answer.

“No,” Daniel said.

He could see Johnny from the corner of his eye. There was a small crease between his eyebrows, and he was biting his lip like he was mulling over Daniel’s answer.

“Yeah,” Johnny said, his forehead smoothing out. He took a long pull of beer. “Me neither.”

***

It wasn’t long until Daniel ran into a regular from the club. He just hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. The guy stood at the jukebox, shooting the shit with another dude. His name was Mike. No, not Mike. _Matt_. He had broad shoulders, wide hands, a narrow waist.

He also had a skull tattoo on his thigh.

Daniel knew that from when he gave the guy a blow job two months ago. The empty eye sockets had stared him right in the face the entire time.

Now, the memory made Daniel tense in his seat. He didn’t want to talk with Matt, especially not here of all places. It seemed luck wasn’t on his side. Just as Daniel looked up, Matt scanned the room, and their eyes connected.

Daniel could tell the exact moment Matt recognized him. The laughter died in his throat, and his forehead furrowed.

“What’s wrong?” a voice interrupted Daniel’s thoughts.

He blinked and looked across the booth at Johnny. He’d paused eating his burger, and he was staring at Daniel with a small crease between his eyebrows. There was a smudge of ketchup on his chin.

“Nothing, I just…” Daniel trailed off, when Johnny glanced over his shoulder. His eyes lingered on the figure, before traveling back to Daniel.

“Who is that?” Johnny asked, but Daniel wasn’t paying attention anymore. The guy had tapped his friend on the shoulder, and was now clearly heading in their direction. Daniel’s entire body went hard.

He stayed frozen in his seat, watching, as the guy sauntered up to the table with all the confidence of an old fling.

“Hey,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Daniel forced himself to look at the guy. He could see Johnny’s eyes flitting curiously between the two of them.

“Sorry, man,” Daniel said, trying to sound as casual as he could. “I don’t think so.”

“Really? Because you look familiar.” Matt smiled, his eyes roaming over Daniel, from his chest to his lips, back to his eyes. His voice dropped. “Maybe from a party?”

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t remember you.”

“Come on. I’m sure we’ve met.” Matt paused. “Are you a friend of Ben’s?”

“I’m telling you—”

“Mitch? Derek?” Matt cut him off. “Or wait, I know. Was it at that club—”

Daniel heard a scoff, and the scrape of a plate. Johnny wiped his chin, and stood up from his seat. He straightened to his full height, and squared his shoulders.

“Listen, man. He said he doesn’t know you,” Johnny said firmly. “Now, back off.”

The guy looked at him for the first time since he arrived. His lips thinned, and he took a few steps toward Johnny until they were nearly chest-to-chest. Matt was wide, but Johnny was taller, and he had the body of a fighter.

He sized Johnny up, a few seconds passed, and then his lip curled in annoyance. He didn’t say anything else, just turned on his heel and walked away.

Johnny watched him walk all the way to the jukebox. When he was satisfied that Matt wasn’t going to come back, he slipped back into the booth.

“Asshole,” Johnny muttered. He picked up his burger, and took a big bite. Then, with his mouth full, “So, you were saying about a concert?”

Daniel stared at him, his heart still racing in his chest.

What the hell had just happened?

Johnny raised his eyebrows, and when Daniel still hadn’t said anything, he shook his head in question.

“You were saying?” he asked, this time louder.

Daniel opened his mouth and the words just came tumbling out.

“REO. They’re coming to town next month.”

Johnny nodded, and Daniel took it as his cue. He talked about the band, his favorite songs, the last time he’d seen them in concert in ‘87. Johnny asked questions every now and then, but mostly he just listened.

There was something weird about Johnny—he seemed on edge, his movements stiff and jerky as he grabbed the salt shaker and shook it hard over his fries. Daniel continued to talk in a low and soothing voice, and waited for the tension to slowly leave his body.

***

He didn’t know if it was his mind playing tricks on him, but sometimes, he got the impression that Johnny was interested in him.

It was in the small things, like when Daniel sealed his lips around the beer bottle, and Johnny watched the muscles in his throat as he swallowed. Or when he grabbed a handful of peanuts, and Johnny dipped in his fingers at the same time, making their hands touch. Daniel wasn’t a stranger to flirting. He had enough experience at the club to recognize non-verbal queues.

But… there was something that didn’t quite make sense. Johnny had a boy-next-door charm that women loved, and that he had no problem using to his advantage.

He flirted with the waitress, lip curling in a confident smirk when he took the basket of fries from her hands. He let his eyes wander whenever an attractive girl passed by, winking if their gaze happened to cross.

Daniel felt a flare of jealousy every time, a knee-jerk reaction to steal whatever caught Johnny’s attention. But even he could recognize that it would be a mistake. This wasn’t high school anymore, and that was the _thing_.

Age had softened Johnny. It took a while for Daniel to see it, but Johnny was no longer the hot-headed boy he was thirteen years ago. He was mellower, more grounded. It was such a stark contrast to the reality of Daniel’s life.

He tried his best to understand why. He asked questions, prodded into the past, the present, and that’s when it hit him: Johnny was never alone. He was still friends with the old gang from high school. His mother lived close by, and he visited her regularly. Hell, he even had drinks with the guys from work every Wednesday.

He had a support system that had followed him through the years, solid and unwavering.

Who did Daniel have?

***

Daniel had never known softness. Even when he went to the club, he always sought out the big men, the ones that were taller, stronger. Rough hands, that’s all Daniel had ever had experience with.

Men who pushed him down on his knees, and shoved themselves into his mouth. Men who thought that two fingers and spit were enough preparation for fucking. Men who marked him, claimed him, and left him the next morning without so much as a good-bye.

It was sad that he’d never experienced tenderness a day in his life. That he couldn’t understand anything else.

***

Daniel called his mom once a month.

They talked about the weather up in New Jersey, Uncle Louie’s health, the new book that she was reading. Meanwhile, Daniel talked about work. They’d recently hired a new marketing firm, and were expecting a massive rise in sales.

“We’re getting a lot of new clientele already, and Mr. Daoui’s been talking about opening up a new branch in Chicago. I think he wants to hire me as general manager.”

“That’s amazing, honey,” Lucille said. “I don’t doubt for a second that you deserve it.”

“Thanks,” Daniel said, playing with the cord of the phone, twisting it around his finger. He’d been wanting to talk about something else for a while now, but he hadn’t found the right moment. He released the cord and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Guess who I saw,” he said, and then, before she could reply, “Remember Johnny Lawrence from high school?”

There was a silence on the phone, long enough that Daniel started to squirm.

“The boy from the Tournament?” Lucille asked finally.

“Yeah. You remember him?”

“How is he?” she said, though there was something hesitant in her tone. “I hope he’s doing well.”

“He’s good,” Daniel said, biting his lip. “He worked on the renovation of the new office. I used to run into him every Friday, and then, uh, one thing led to another, and we started hanging out.” There was another silence, and Daniel got nervous again. “Anyways… I don’t know, I just wanted to tell you that. You wouldn’t believe what happened at work yesterday…”

He told her the story about the woman whose poodle peed on the wheel of the new Mercedes they’d just brought in. It was a poor change of subject, but his mom didn’t call him out on it. They talked for ten more minutes, before Daniel saw the time, and excused himself.

They said their good-byes, and right before shutting the phone, Lucille said his name.

“Yeah?” Daniel answered.

“Just…” Lucille said, before sighing. “Be careful, okay?”

That made Daniel pause.

“I will,” he said softly. “Bye, Ma.”

***

Things went on as normal, until a few weeks later, on a Wednesday night. Daniel was about to go to sleep, when he heard the phone ring in the living room.

Johnny’s car had broken down, and he needed a ride home.

His voice sounded small and vulnerable, sending a rush of adrenaline through Daniel’s body. He asked Johnny for his address, and immediately got moving. He slipped on a jogging suit, grabbed his keys, and headed out.

He was a tight ball of anxiety the entire way there. The address led him to the parking lot of a seedy bar in Reseda. Johnny was sitting on the curb, with his legs sprawled in front of him. His head lifted and he squinted in the headlights, when Daniel parked in front of him.

He turned off the engine and climbed out of the car.

“Hey, what happened?” Daniel asked, approaching him. His eyes darted all over Johnny’s body. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Johnny said, rubbing the back of his hair. “Sorry, my car wouldn’t start.”

Daniel looked at the car. It looked okay, no obvious sign of damage—but there was something off about Johnny’s tone. He let his eyes wander back to Johnny, and that’s when he noticed the slack jaw and glassy eyes.

“Are you drunk?” Daniel asked.

Johnny dropped his hand and hunched his shoulders. “I just had a few drinks with the guys from work. I didn’t think it was that big a deal.”

Daniel huffed a breath. “Johnny, how many times do I gotta tell you? You can’t drink more than three beers and drive.” He tapped Johnny on the shoulder, and extended his arm. “Come on, get up.”

“What about my car?” Johnny whined.

“I’ll deal with it in the morning,” Daniel said sharply. “Now get up.”

He nudged Johnny again. Johnny pressed his lips together, and grabbed him by the elbow. Daniel pulled him up, snaking an arm around his waist to keep him steady.

Daniel walked him to the car, ignoring the way Johnny’s hair brushed against his neck, and helped him into the passenger seat. Johnny fumbled with the seat belt, unable to get his fingers to coordinate. Daniel rolled his eyes, and smacked his hands away, slotting his seatbelt into place.

The ride to Johnny’s apartment was quiet. Daniel turned on the radio, and let rock music play softly in the background. Now that he’d found Johnny, the adrenaline was leaving his body, making way for a bone-deep exhaustion.

When he arrived in front of Johnny’s compound, he put the car in park, and they sat for a minute in silence. Daniel kept his eyes trained on the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny said. He swallowed, his throat making a clicking sound. “I didn’t mean to—I was having a drink with the guys, and I guess I forgot.”

Daniel shook his head. He wasn’t even mad anymore.

“It’s okay,” Daniel said finally. “I’m just glad you called me.”

“No, really,” Johnny said with insistence. “I owe you.”

Daniel turned his gaze toward Johnny then. He looked so soft in the darkness: the smooth angle of his jaw, the startling blue of his eyes. Daniel wanted to kiss him.

“Yeah?” Daniel asked, trying to erase the image from his mind. “If you want, you can start by fixing my washing machine. It’s been making a weird noise all month now.”

Johnny stared at him a while longer, before holding out his hand.

“Deal,” he said.

Daniel chewed the inside of his cheek. After a moment of hesitation, he let go of the wheel and grabbed Johnny’s hand. It was bigger, so much bigger, and _warm_ , Johnny’s fingertips hot against Daniel’s skin.

Johnny’s thumb brushed across his knuckles, a fleeting touch that made his stomach tighten. Then, Johnny released him and fumbled for the door handle. Daniel waited until he went inside, before dropping his head to the wheel.

He breathed slowly through his mouth, trying to calm down his racing heartbeat.

***

There was a time when Daniel wore his heart on his sleeve. _You_ _’re like a walnut,_ his mother used to say. _One crack and you_ _’re open._ He used to ramble on about whatever held his interest, open and carefree.

Now, Daniel looked at himself in the mirror, and didn’t recognize himself anymore. There were bags under his eyes, deeper lines in his forehead—like the weight of his secret had engraved itself into his skin, burrowed itself in the crooks and crannies of his pores.

Daniel hated it. This wasn’t him. But he didn’t have any other choice but to ignore it and bury himself in work. Thinking too much about it could lead to self-reflection, awareness— _change._

He knew for a fact that there was no positive outcome for people like him.

It was a Monday night, when Mr. Daoui called him and told him to take the rest of the week off.

“You still have a week’s paid vacation left,” Mr. Daoui explained on the phone. “You need to take it before the year is over.”

Daniel tried to needle with him _(I can still come to work, nobody needs to know)_ but Mr. Daoui wasn’t hearing any of it. Daniel pressed his lips together, and shut the phone.

The first thing he did was make a list of all the things that needed to be done at home. Then, he got to work. He spent all Tuesday cleaning the bedroom, airing out the mattress, reorganizing his clothes. On Wednesday, he made his way through the living room, his books, magazines, CDs and tapes. He re-potted all the bonsai trees. Thursday was more of the same, except he moved on to the balcony and the kitchen.

He ran himself ragged, scrubbing the tiled floor on his hands and knees, the inside of the microwave, the fridge. The phone rang a few times, but he ignored it. By the time Friday night came, he was so tired and sore he could barely move. He finished cleaning the last cupboard over the stove, before crashing on the sofa.

He was in that pleasant space between wake and slumber, finally at peace, when he heard a knock on the door.

Daniel groaned, and buried his face into the cushion. He waited, hoping the person would go away, but a few seconds later, there was another knock. He blew out a shaky breath, and pushed himself up, his muscles straining with the movement.

When he opened the door, he froze.

“Johnny,” Daniel said.

He stood at the door, holding two boxes of pizza in one hand, and a case of beer in another.

“Hey,” Johnny said, taking in Daniel. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Daniel said, looking around. “How did you—”

“You weren’t answering your phone,” Johnny said, eying him closely. “So I passed by the dealership. They say you took a few days off.”

“Oh,” Daniel said. “Yeah. Sorry, come in.”

He opened the door wider, and Johnny stepped inside. They stood awkwardly at the entrance, until Daniel gestured his thumb behind him.

“I’ll get the plates,” he said, turning toward the kitchen.

“Did you clean up the place?” Johnny said, his eyes roaming over the room. He toed off his shoes and kicked them in a corner.

“Yeah,” Daniel said, grabbing the plates.

When he returned to the living room, Johnny had settled down on the sofa, and was already taking out a slice of pizza.

Right, they could just eat with their hands.

Daniel’s face heated. He set the plates on the table and sat down next to Johnny. His stomach grumbled at the smell of the food. He couldn’t even remember if he’d had lunch today.

He leaned forward and grabbed a slice. When he took a bite, it was cold and rubbery, which made Daniel wonder how long exactly Johnny had been standing outside his door. They ate for a few minutes in silence.

“So, you’re fine, then?” Johnny asked, staring down at the table. He licked his thumb, and grabbed another slice.

“Yeah,” Daniel said, swallowing the bite in his mouth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Johnny said, though he was avoiding Daniel’s gaze. “Just wondering what you were up to.”

“Oh.”

“Wanna watch something?”

“Yeah, sure,” Daniel said.

Johnny grabbed the remote, and turned on the TV. They ended watching a rerun of Magnum, PI. It was a ridiculous episode, full of gunshots and explosions. Johnny had a lot of opinions about it, and surprisingly, so did Daniel.

They started talking about it, and an hour later, they were into the second episode, so invested in the storyline that they were arguing and laughing until they were red in the face. Daniel finished eating his pizza, while Johnny cracked open his third beer.

It was fun, comfortable, and Daniel felt his eyes go heavy with every passing second. Here, with his belly full and the smell of Johnny surrounding him, he couldn’t remember why he’d been so bothered in the first place.

His head fell sideways, pressing down onto a warm shoulder and before he knew it, he was drifting off to sleep.

***

Mr. Daoui finally asked Daniel if he wanted to run the new dealership in Chicago.

This time, Daniel fully expected it. He was Mr. Daoui’s right-hand man at Auto Solutions. He knew the inner workings of the dealership down to the smallest detail. He’d practically _created_ the company’s workflow.

And now, Mr. Daoui wanted to pass him the torch.

“You’re one of the most hard-working men I’ve ever met,” Mr. Daoui said, his eyes shining with sincerity. “Every day I thank God that you decided to walk into my dealership. So, what do you say? Will you take the job?”

It was an executive-level position, and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Everything Daniel had ever dreamed of.

He didn’t know what to say.

***

Work used to be Daniel’s everything. His motivation for waking up in the morning, and getting out of bed. His reason for making it through endless hours of meetings and conference calls, all the while keeping a smile on his face.

He looked forward to the end of the day, when he could go home, feeling tired, disheveled, but _accomplished_.

Daniel didn’t know when this simple fact changed. When looking forward to sales meetings, became looking forward to blue eyes and blond hair. When working on his monthly report became an excuse to let his mind wander. When his only fuel for powering through the week was seeing Johnny on a Friday.

Somehow, Johnny had wormed his way into Daniel’s life, without him realizing. It was scary, and exhilarating, and now, with his dream finally within reach, Daniel found himself at a crossroads.

Things had been going well between them, so Johnny didn’t understand why Daniel was suddenly so quiet. It wasn’t anything that he’d said, but in the small glances that he threw in Daniel’s direction.

They watched a baseball game at the bar. Rick Reed was pitching for the Mets, and usually Daniel would have been brimming with joy, especially now that Mike Piazza was catching. But he couldn’t summon up the excitement, not when Mr. Daoui’s words were still swirling in his mind. The Mets ended up winning 5-4.

“How about we go for a walk?” Johnny asked, when they stepped outside. There was a cold breeze, that made Daniel zip up his jacket and hunch his shoulders.

“Sure,” Daniel said, and they headed toward a park nearby. It was closed at this time of the night, but they managed to slip in through a loosely locked gate.

It was quiet, with not a soul in sight. They walked around in comfortable silence, Johnny’s arm brushing against him ever now and then. It was so nice, and Daniel realized he’d _miss_ this if he left. This easy camaraderie that had crept up between them, and that had taken a hold of his life.

He hadn’t planned on bringing up the offer, but he figured now was the perfect time. He took a deep breath.

“I got a job offer in Chicago.” There was a long silence, during which Daniel’s heart hammered in his chest. “It’s a really good job, one that I’ve been dreaming about for years now.”

“Are you gonna take it?” Johnny asked after a while.

“Yeah,” he said. Johnny jerked against him, and Daniel immediately corrected himself. “No.” And then he sighed. “I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.”

Johnny nodded slowly. “Why not?”

That was the million-dollar question. What was the point of moving if he was going to continue living a lie? It never bothered him before, because he’d always told himself this was how it was supposed to be. He didn’t have any other choice.

But was that really true?

A hand grabbed him by the elbow, and then they were stopping in the middle of the path.

“Why not?” Johnny asked again, this time softer. Daniel looked into Johnny’s eyes, and breathed slowly. He was a grown man now, thirty-one years old. How much longer was he going to hide? He’d never said the words out loud. He’d never—

“Johnny.” Daniel swallowed. “I’m gay.”

Johnny didn’t even flinch. He just watched Daniel, his blue eyes trained on him. Daniel’s heart was going to beat out of his chest.

An eternity passed between them, before Johnny spoke.

“And?”

Daniel’s insides clenched. He expected a punch in the gut, a spit in the face, not Johnny’s quiet question.

“It means I like men,” Daniel said as calmly as he could. “It means I’m only attracted to men. I like girls just fine, but they don’t do it for me like guys do.”

Johnny narrowed his eyes, like he was trying to figure something out.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

The question caught Daniel off-guard. He didn’t know why, but he felt shame crawl up his throat.

“Because I wanted to,” he said.

Johnny hummed. His eyes dropped to Daniel’s chin, before snapping back up.

“Okay,” Johnny said slowly, like he was mulling over his words. “Well, I’m a guy. Do I do it for you?”

A beat of silence, during which Daniel stared without blinking.

“What?” Daniel asked.

Johnny raised an eyebrow lazily, and now he looked more like himself. He looked like he was _enjoying_ this.

“Me. Do I do it for you?”

Daniel blinked fast, trying to understand. Did Johnny think this was all a joke? Was that it?

“Are you making fun of me?” Daniel finally snapped.

Johnny took a step forward, and dropped his voice.

“You’re not answering the question.”

“What question—”

Johnny was getting closer still. “Yes or no.”

“Johnny—”

A warm hand cupped Daniel’s jaw.

“Yes or…”

“John—”

Lips descended upon him, and Daniel’s mind went blank. Time seemed to slow down to a crawl, the sound of static in his ears. This was happening. _Johnny was actually kissing him._ Then, Johnny nipped at Daniel’s lower lip, and Daniel let out a breathy moan.

He closed his eyes, and clutched Johnny’s shoulders. He expected Johnny to kiss like he fought: hard, fast, messy. But he was soft and sweet, so unlike anything else Daniel had ever experienced before. He licked into Daniel’s mouth, like he had all the time in the world—until Daniel’s head started spinning.

When Johnny leaned back, they were both panting lightly.

“Is that okay?” Johnny asked, his breath hot against Daniel’s lips. He dropped his hand to Daniel’s shoulder, and rubbed his thumb in the dip of his throat.

Daniel had never known softness, but in that moment, it was all he could feel.

“Yeah,” Daniel breathed out, before leaning in for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! Happy holidays, and take care.


End file.
